


he

by winestainedress



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Poetic, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, and it's not descriptive, i tried okay, it's just one chapter I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-12-17 12:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21054293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winestainedress/pseuds/winestainedress
Summary: To Renjun, Jaemin was a breathtaking work of art.To Jaemin, Renjun was nothing more than a blank canvas.





	1. could it be wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> Bear with me, English is not my first language and I wanted to try to be poetic.  
I failed but here it is.

_ Am I allowed to look at her like that? _

_Could it be wrong_

_ When she's just so nice to look at? _

Mesmerizing,

like a firework show exploding in the dark night.

Hypnotic,

like snow dancing from the cold grey sky.

Fascinating,

like the sweetest melody, Renjun could've let his feet move along.

There he was,

hidden behind a tree in the school backyard

admiring him from afar.

There he was,

standing tall and proud surrounded by people who were lucky enough to have him,

Jaemin,

in their lives.

Just a little bit closer,

that was everything Renjun wanted,

to get to know him better.

To make him laugh, just like Jisung did.

To run his fingers through his hair, just like Jeno did.

To be part of his life, just like Donghyuck was.

To be hugged by him, just like he did with Chenle.

But there he was,

Stuck

behind that tree. 

And Renjun wandered,

was it really okay?

Looking at him as if he was the most precious thing in the world?

Losing his mind over someone he barely knew?

Wanting to fall asleep in his arms so bad?

Insane.

But could that have been,

_That_,

Wrong?

When Jaemin was just so handsome?

When Jaemin seemed just so kind?

When Jaemin arms looked so much like a safe place to be in?

No,

It couldn't.

So Renjun let himself be captivated by the other.

Shocked by his beauty.

In love with the generous and pure man he was.

Paralyzed by his fears and shyness.

Completely frozen,

there he was,

behind the tree

all alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update tomorrow (because I should've published it yesterday but I didn't) and then on Saturday, and so on.  
If you want to talk to me you can find me on [Tumblr](https://winestainedress-universe.tumblr.com/)


	2. apple juice and peach

_ She smells like lemongrass and sleep _

_ She tastes like apple juice and peach _

Deep down

running through his nose

Jaemin's scent knocked him down.

There he was,

his head on the other's left shoulder,

eyes closed

as he inhaled deeply.

How far he went,

just one month before he was standing behind a tree and now,

_Damn now_,

he was standing right where he felt he belonged to be,

Inside Jaemin' arms.

A sharp contrast he was,

so strong,

proud,

and tall,

on the outside.

So soft,

caring,

and warm,

on the inside.

Renjun always felt that,

he knew it since the start,

he could've sensed it.

Jaemin tasted like homemade apple pie,

_Sweet and Sour_

at the same time.

Jaemin smelled like baked chocolate biscuits,

you were never satiated.

Jaemin reminded him of a peach,

as his pink fluffy hair fell down on his forehead

as the wind played with them

as the sun kissed his tanned,

glowing,

skin. 

Somehow Renjun felt at home,

in a safe place,

as he let himself rest on Jaemin's shoulder,

lulled by the other' smell

and delicate voice humming a love song.

Home.

That was what Jaemin smelled like,

Renjun was brought back inside the walls of his kitchen in his hometown,

while he watched his mother cooking

his father reading a daily journal

and the City was breathing, keeping up with her busy life;

There he was,

lazily laid back on the red armchair.

Somehow,

he could taste China inside Jaemin's arms.

Then,

Jaemin's hand moved down to his thigh,

covered in the black jeans,

resting softly,

_Still._

Just like the time for Renjun

in that brief moment.

Everything stopped,

even his breath for a short matter of time.

There he was,

Jaemin crossing a line,

touching him,

pulling him close so he could hear his heartbeat,

Speechless.

_It is nothing. _

He kept on thinking.

_He does it with everyone. _

_Now you're friends, it's normal._

Isn't it?

But then why,

why he couldn't make his heart stop from beating so fast?

Why he couldn't stop to feel,

_This_,

Happy?

Why did his mind start dreaming of impossible realities?

Stupid.

That's how he felt as soon as Jaemin pulled away,

The spell,

broken.

The magic,

gone.

The warmth of the touch,

missing.

Everything fell into million pieces as soon as Jaemin left him

for Jeno. 


	3. polaroid picture

_You would find her in a Polaroid picture_

_And she means everything to me_

Sometimes

Renjun felt like he could only admire Jaemin from a

Polaroid picture.

Frozen in time,

where his mind could travel in his stupid -unrealistic- fantasies.

And

there he was,

on his bed,

looking at the wall in front of it.

Scattered polaroids coloured the usual plain white wall.

There was Jaemin,

Jaemin smiling,

Jaemin laughing,

Jaemin hugging a plushy,

Jaemin eating hot pot,

Jaemin drinking coffee.

Jaemin frozen in time,

so he could never escape from Renjun.

At least not in his dreams.

There were also other people,

filling the white,

suffocating,

space in front of him.

But none of them was as half as important as Jaemin was.

If time, inside the polaroids, was staying still.

In reality, it was moving fast.

As fast as Renjun's feelings for the other boy.

Wild,

and violent

like waves crashing at the shore.

Not letting him breathe,

pulling him down,

head underwater,

unable to come back on the surface.

And Jaemin was just like seawater,

Filling his lungs,

completely.

He was taking up all the time of his life,

always on his mind.

Every text was a heartbeat lost.

Every conversation was something that made Renjun' soul richer.

Every touch tied him down to the boy,

Like a rock tied at his feet

as he let himself drown in a river. 

And Renjun knew,

Damn if he knew

that everything was becoming too much.

That Jaemin would've never thought of him in

_that_,

Way.

But he was stupid,

and hopeless,

and madly in love.

So there he was,

_losing himself_ looking at the ceiling. 


	4. oddly good to hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the slightly smutty chapter but, honestly, is probably the saddest one.

* * *

I'd never tell  
No, I'd never say a word  
_ And, oh, it aches  
_ But it feels oddly good to hurt

Alcohol.

The dense

_Red substance_

was running in his blood,

mixing up with the cells of his body,

numbing his senses

and his mind.

He shouldn't have done it,

he really shouldn't have.

But it felt so good.

Everything was blurry right in front of his eyes,

formless bodies moving to an unknown rhythm,

lights going wild,

walls suffocating him.

But there it was,

_Clear and firm_,

Jaemin's figure stood right in front of him.

_Take my hand. _

He stood up,

stumbling,

Hands shaking reaching out for the boy's.

_Dance with me. _

So close,

Jaemin's breath colliding with Renjun's neck.

His hand wrapped around the younger's hair.

Their bodies crashing together.

Thighs touching.

Chest breathing heavily.

Lips dangerously close.

_Kiss me, _

_Please. _

Blank,

Was it just another dream of his?

Was it the reality?

_Kiss me, Renjun. _

Again,

louder this time.

Clear, straight to his ears.

No,

he couldn't.

Damn, he wanted it,

he wanted to do it

so bad.

But no,

It was wrong.

Jaemin was dating Jeno,

he loved Jeno,

he kissed Jeno,

he wanted Jeno.

He must be drunk_. _

Or maybe not.

_Renjun, please. _

Maybe not.

Maybe Jaemin wanted Renjun.

A Kaleidoscope of colours exploded,

hearts racing like fast cars,

brains disconnecting from reality.

Like the sweetest,

most flavoured chocolate,

Jaemin's lips tasted.

Black,

eyes closed to taste the moment better.

Blurred,

eyes open to make sure that Jaemin was really there.

_Please, _

A breathless whisper.

_Please make me feel good. _

Too much,

everything was too much.

Rooms disappearing behind him

as he was being pulled to the bedroom.

Too hot,

air hard to breath,

sweats dripping from his forehead.

Guilt suffocating him.

Lips

caressing never seen before parts of Jaemin's body,

healing imaginary wounds,

creating new ones,

forgetting he didn't belong to him.

Lips marking the other delicate skin,

Crimson red marks

decorating a chest who was moving frenetically.

Hands intertwining,

disconnecting,

dancing on soft skin,

creating shivers running inside bones.

Dense,

Renjun's blood was running dense through his veins.

And no,

It wasn't the alcohol,

It was the tension between them,

It was the wrongness of the situation,

What if someone found this out?

What if _Jeno_ found out?

No,

Not now.

Jaemin was there,

For him.

It was his name he was calling.

It was his touch he was craving for.

It was his attention he wanted on him.

Jaemin wanted him.

Worn out bodies

laying on the messy bed' sheets.

Hot breath filled the hot air.

Silence,

Juxtaposed to the whiny sounds of before.

Exhausted,

from Alcohol,

from Passion,

from Anxiety.

Renjun's hand travelled nearer Jaemin's one.

A slight touch,

Jaemin retired a bit,

then he let himself lose in the boy touch.

_No one has to know. _

Crash.

Reality hit Renjun like a truck,

of course not.

Everything had only been a fantasy,

Jaemin used him to fulfil a desire.

And he liked it,

and he would've done other million times.

Pathetic.

Tears streaming down his face.

Now beside him was only an empty space,

It felt like Jaemin disappeared,

like he was always used to do.

Like a Phantom in the night,

Slipping through his fingers,

Not able to hold him tight.

Pathetically,

he was crying.

Pathetically,

he was trying to keep the images,

the smells,

the sounds

of that night with him.

Conflicting

was the Pleasure he felt before

compared to the Pain he was feeling now.

Pathetic,

he somehow still felt happy

despite the pain.

He had had Jaemin.

He held him tight.

He kissed him.

He gave him all his love.

And that felt good.

Pathetic.

No one will ever know. 


	5. admiring from afar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm dying but here I am, I made it. Just one chapter to the end, sigh

  
_And I'll be okay_   
_Admiring from afar_   
_'Cause even when she's next to me_   
_We could not be more far apart_

Nothing had ever been the same  
  
after that night.  
  
No more touches,

no more glances,

no more laughs.

Only mumbled crying

could be heard in the night.

Drip Drop.

Tears running down,

like wild north's rivers

crashing down into waterfalls.

Whimpers filling the dense

night air.

Desperate hands

lived through the daylight.

Sad eyes begging for attention,

begging for a little bit of love.

_Please_ _ Jaemin, please. _

Painted grey

there was on the other side,

a wall between them.

Tick Tock.

Hands on the clock running fast,

time slipping through his fingers

just like Jaemin's hands.

_No more touches. _

Skin burning,

hearts beating fast.

No more touches.

_He_ said.

Desperate looks,

glaring in the sunlight,

_Please Jaemin, look at me._

Cold,

freezing wind,

blowing from the other side.

Far,

far apart they were,

standing next to each other.

As he throws his head back laughing,

nose scrunching,

small dimples painted his face,

eyelids covered his eyes,

full soft eyelashes touched his cheekbones.

Beautiful,

simply he was.

And the only thing Renjun could do was

admiring him.

Shyly watching his hair being caressed by the wind.

Secretly eyeing how he would steal Jeno's food.

Blindly following the movements of his rosy lips as he spoke.

I'll be fine,  
I'm fine.

_Drip Drop. _

One drop

Echoing in the blue night,

One drop

Falling from the faucet,

One drop

Colliding with other drops

Already fallen.

Tick tock.

The ticketing of the clock

Piercing trough the blue sky,

Tick tock,

The sky is clear outside.

Tick tock,

What's going on in his mind?

Tick tock,

There will be no going back in time,

Am I right?

Tick tock.

Drip drop.

Tick, 

Tock.

Drip, 

Drop.

Hands covering ears, 

eyes closed tight,

mouth pressed in a pink thin line,

a fragile body rolling in the sheet.

Drip Drop. 

_Stop, please stop._

Tick Tock.

_Stop, I'm begging, please._

Drip

Calm.

Drop.

Again.

The sounds of the night

bringing back the images of the

burning fire.

The city outside

looking sleepy and bright

at the same time.

A feeling he could never arrive.

Eyes fall shut,

chest rising slow,

mouth slightly open,

hands hugging tight

a pillow his mind pictured as somebody else's 

body type.

He woke in the night,

heavy panting,

sweats dripping down his forehead,

to his chin,

salty drops dying at the contact with the blue duvet.

Pacing around,

pale like a ghost,

he couldn't shake off of his mind the face of that boy.

His eyes pierced his soul,

the smile was there for?

Awkward,

out of place.

A mess on the floor,

of pictures and smoke.

Photos were ashes lying alone,

just like his heart who died all along.

The wall was too white,

no human in sight,

the ghost of himself starring in his eyes.

Drip drop,  
I'm out of my mind.

Drip Drop,  
But he is one of a kind.

Tick Tock,  
I'm out of time.

Tick Tock,  
Maybe one day I'll find,  
The peace of my mind.

Drip drop,  
I'll be fine.

Tick Tock,  
I'm fine.

Drip Drop,  
I'm not,  
No, I'm not fine at all.

Drip Drop.

Drip,

Drop.


	6. taste of nothing at all

'Cause she tastes like birthday cake and storytime and fall  
_ But to her  
_ I taste of nothing at all

Beautiful.

He was simply

breathtaking.

As the pale ray of the sun

kissed his glowing skin.

He tasted like honey,

and love.

He,

He was just like a birthday cake,

you could only eat it once a year,

you wait for it,

you beg for it,

and you finally got it,

you have to share it,

it ends,

it lasts just one day.

That had been Jaemin for him,

he had a taste

and then,

he had to say goodbye.

But it was enough.

No, it wasn't.

But it'll be alright,

Yes, it'll be alright.

It has to be alright.

And he was searching for a sign,

everything would've been enough,

for him to move on.

In the leaves,

falling to the ground,

creating patterns of red,

orange,

and yellow.

In the wind,

whistling words he wasn't able to comprehend,

an unspoken language.

In the sun,

now too shy to properly come out,

hiding behind clouds.

In the whispers of the people,

chatting in the streets,

pretending to really care about the things the others were saying.

In his soul,

painted black.

In Jaemin,

in his eyes,

they weren't making contact with his,

anymore.

In his voice,

that now,

was just a memory.

In his touch,

which marked and burned his skin,

a wound he would never heal from.

In his smell,

in the way he tasted,

now too far gone,

memories that were escaping from his mind,

and he wasn't capable to hold on tight into them.

But it'll be alright.

'Cause he tastes like happiness,

and he left him with bitterness.

'Cause he was flawless,

and he was left helpless.

'Cause he tastes like homemade food

after you've been on the road for too long.

And now he felt homeless.

'Cause he tastes like spring,

and fall.

The end of winter,

the end of summer,

the middle,

the brightest,

the most enjoyable time of the year.

But he,

he was winter.

Cold,

and broken.

But it'll be alright,

he'll be alright.

Because He tastes like everything to him,

but to him,

he tastes like

nothing at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, I hope you liked it. Kudos and comments are always well accepted (even if you see any mistakes, please let me know, politely of course)  
If you want you can also follow me on [tumblr](https://winestainedress-universe.tumblr.com/) . I've just started there but you can send me requests and I'll try to satisfy your wishes (it might take some time because I'm quite busy but I'll do it)


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